Ways To Tick Off the Wizarding World
by SoNotNymphadora
Summary: The title is self-explanatory. It takes place in varying time periods. Language is mild, but it is rated T for it's suggestiveness. Please R&R, as this is my first fic. Thanks!
1. Sirius and Lupin

**Disclaimer:**

This guide contains confidential information and is intended solely for the use of the individual or entity to which they are addressed. The individual or entity knows who he/she/they is/are and is aware of this mail. If you are not the addressee, you should not disseminate or distribute this guide. Please notify the sender immediately by owl if you have received this by mistake, as personnel will be in contact with you shortly to ensure discretion.

I am in no which way or form accountable for the following conditions or predicaments you might experience. Though these are well thought through (more or less), there is still a margin for error for non-professionals. Heed these with caution.

**Sirius Black:**

Ridicule Sirius for not making Slytherin house.

Sing the song "Who Let the Dogs Out?" within earshot

Ask him if his middle name's "Lee"

Yell "The Grim!" loudly every time you see him

**Remus Lupin:**

Ask him if he's still taking his meds**  
**

Comment on his "time of the month"

Tell him it's open season

Mesmerize him with a silver spoon, and when it doesn't work, thow it and say "Fetch!"

Hide his wand and when he asks, say it's in Sirius' underwear drawer. Then go to the Great Hall, and say loudly that Lupin's wand is in Sirius' drawer.


	2. Minor characters

**Lucius Malfoy:**

Alert Lucius to the fact his son is part of _many _AU fanfics. When he asks what they are, explain the world of slash/yaoi and the beloved shipping "Drarry".

Ask him what he's going to do with his "pimp cane". When he claims it's a walking stick, say "Sure..."

**Argus Filch:**

Tell Filch Harry is the one who shaved Mrs. Norris.

**Luna Lovegood:**

Hold a clove of garlic to her and say you're warding off her weirdness.

One day, come up to her and say nonchalantly, "Hi Luna, and by the way, you have Wrackspurts swarming all over you. It's dreadful really."

**Neville Longbottom:**

Send him a fake howler from his grandmother and cue it to come when he's trying to flirt with Luna.

**Alastor "Mad-Eye" Moody:**

Ask him if you can try some of his "pumpkin juice".

**Scorpius Malfoy:**

Tell him a "Yo Momma" joke. (It's funny because we all know he has two dads...)

**Pansy Parkinson:**

Push her off a cliff. No seriously.

**House Elves:**

Paint the House Elves (with the exception of Dobby and Winky) blue in their sleep and label them "Smurfs", and for Christmas, do a red and green Santa's Helpers theme**  
**

Break in and enter several Pureblood properties and provide argyle socks for all the house elves (It's for S.P.E.W.)

Barge into the House Elves Kitchen and demand diet water with a serious face

**Dursleys:**

Brandish a stick at them while announcing complete gibberish in a profound way, as though it were an incantation of sorts.

Threaten to blow up Dudley like Aunt Marge, unless they hand over their Muggle treasures.

**Quirinus Quirell:**

Tell him talking to one 's self is the first step to insanity

Ask him if his turban just sneezed

**Gilderoy Lockhart:**

Lock him in a room with rogue Cornish pixies- we'll see how _he_ handles the situation.

**Fleur Delacour:**

Swear really badly at her and then say "Excuse my French."

**Vincent Crabbe:**

Lure Crabbe into a broom closet with a trail of pumpkin pasties and lock it. Hehe. (This'll stop him from demolishing the Room of Requirements with his misuse of Fiendfyre and raw stupidity.)


	3. Miscellaneous

Now that you have the Room of Requirement to yourself, decorate it to make it your own personal lounge.

Ditch school one day, got to the Ministry, and start poking random officials.

Apparate in and out of the Burrow to annoy Mrs. Weasley

Go to St. Mungo's and roll patients' gurneys down the corridors (What? They needed fresh air)

Take the enchanted flying Ford out for a joy ride

Hitchhike down a busy Diagon Alley, bump into strangers, and don't apologize

Let Fluffy, from the 3rd corridor, the basilisk from the Chamber of Secrets, and a mountain troll loose in Hogwarts. When they ask you who did it, say Hagrid gave you explicit orders.

Camp out in the Forbidden Forest and go swimming in the Black Lake.

Convince a couple of naive first-years into making a tree house on the Whomping Willow. Show it to Snape.

Have an exclusive toga party in the Room of Requirement you renovated. Say Pansy is the host.


	4. Bellatrix Lestrange

Inform Rudolphus that his wife is cheating on him with the Dark Lord

Tell Bellatrix she needs to fire her hair stylist

During supper, say that the food must taste better than in Azkaban

Tell her she closely resembles that Muggle "Helena Bonham Carter"

Suggest she add more color in her wardrobe, such as _fuchsia_ and _chartreuse_

Put pink dye in her shampoo (if she uses it), and when she accuses you, say she looks like her darling niece, Tonks.

Confiscate her wand; claim it's a Ministry decree that she has to spend a month surviving in the Muggle world


	5. Dolores Jane Umbridge

Ask her if her relatives are half-breeds, because there's a resemblance

Keep time-detonating fireworks- courtesy of Fred and George -in her office

Ask Umbridge why Ravenclaw's symbol is an eagle, and not a raven. Ask more irritating questions like this until class is over

Inform Umbridge pink isn't her color and that when she gets older (than she already is), she'll be alone and pathetically living with cats

Persuade Trelawney into getting revenge on Umbridge. Have her predict (SPOILER ALERT! FORESHADOWING!) she'll be captured by centaurs and manhandled by a giant.


	6. Prof whom no one gives a snitch about

**Prof. Filius Flitwick:**

Sing a Muggle tune at a choir concert and start once again even after Flitwick scolds you. Promptly switch to singing a ghastly rendition of "Double Trouble"

Offer him an antidote to cure his dwarvism

Ask him what job he has at Gringott's. He yells that he's a dwarf. Say, "So you do admit it! I think you're going to need that potion now..."

Professor Flitwick has no doubt heard all the "swish and flick" jokes, but tell him some anyway (Keep in mind Madam Hooch has heard the 'broomstick" jokes too, but hey, that's your call)

**Prof. Sybil Trelawney:**

Bring a Magic 8 Ball to Divination (classic)

Tell her you're a Seer and prophesize that she has a dark fate in the near future, possibly involving the Grim and some unruly gnomes *shudder*

**Prof. Minerva McGonagall:**

Transform all her belongings into tabby cats, pocket watches, and water goblets. Say you're simply practicing your Transfiguration.**  
**

Surreptitiously replace her spectacles for aviators and her pointy hat for a fedora. Now we're talkin'

Give her a ball of yarn and Scabbers for her to play with

**Other:**

Introduce Alg, Geo, Trig, and Calc to the Arithmancy students**  
**

Abruptly start belting out "Lollipop" during the N.E.W.T.'s. When people start looking around, point to the nearest Hufflepuff; it's always them.


	7. Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore

Ask Dumbledore about Grindelwald at every opportunity

Teepee his office. Simple.

Pretend to drown in the Pensieve

Replace his Deluminator with a Muggle cigarette lighter

Say, "So...you and Karkaroff...ya know...a thing?" Draw a heart with your hand


	8. The Dark Lord

Point out you can't spell his name without "emo"

Craft Nagini into a handbag and give it to Voldie as a Christmas present. When he screams about Horcruxes, ask innocently "what's a Horcrux?"

Offer Voldie a wig, an appointment for a nose job, tanning, a manicure, and a shrink, and a list of alternative hobbies. Recommend knitting, bingo, shuffleboard, marbles, embroidery, event planning, and macaroni art.

Tell him Harry recently died in an "unfortunate Quidditch mishap". When he yells about "NOO!", scream, "Foiled again!"

Say "Dude, get a life. You should be known as "The-Man-Who-Let-A-Boy-Live-7-Times." to Voldie at a meeting when he inevitably rants about how he should be the one to kill Harry Potter. Oops, there goes Charity Burbage...

Replace the Horcrux locket potion with pumpkin juice

Lace his food with Polyjuice Potion, containing Harry's hair

Tell him, "Your mom's so ugly, she married a Muggle."


	9. The Trio and Hermione

**The Trio:**

Befriend the trio and as they tell you their secrets, discreetly write them down and publish them on the Daily Prophet (Rita Skeeter pays big Galleons for gossip like that!)

Take away their Red Vines and hide the Horcruxes they found and replace them with frauds. They'll only think they destroyed all 7 _and_ they'll be eating Twizzlers! MWAHAHAHAHA! LONG LIVE THE DARK LORD...AND STARKID PRODUCTIONS! (Product placement intended)

**Hermione Granger:**

****Forge a report card and put a "T" for Troll next to all her classes (Especially Charms, because there's no way you can fail that class)

On her library books (that you know very well no one but her would read), mark them "Hermione Jean Granger was here". Madam Pince'll be so pissed...

Spike Hermione's meal with a Skiving Snackbox, which'll cause her to miss class, and consequently mess up her perfect attendance record

Kidnap Crookshanks and hold him hostage until she hands over her Muggle treasures (I heard she has something called a "toothbrush")

Slip Sleeping Drought into her evening pumpkin juice while she's trying to study for her 7 N.E.W.T.'s


	10. Weasley Clan

Tell Ron that Halloween's over and he can take off the ugly mask. Say the same thing to Ginny, Filch, Percy, or anyone you find repulsive. (jk, I love Ron)

Hit Ron with a shovel (Another classic)

Scream "Fire!" and dump a bucket of water over his head. When he yells "Stop!", say, "It's not out yet! Do you want the Burrow to burn down again?"

Ask the Weasley twins if they do _everything_ together

Making sure Molly is within earshot, bash Gilderoy Lockhart

Tell Ron how dimwitted you think Fleur is, and that he should go after girls with brains. In between fake coughs, say "Hermione"

Get Ron a necklace that says "Ickle Ronniekins" on it or stitch it on a maroon sweater

Threaten Bill with a haircut. A Muggle one.

(Also, I'm curious as to why we never see Charlie in the movies. Is he always in Romania?)


	11. Harry James Freakin' Potter

Set in 7th year: Buy him Covergirl concealer for his scar and whisper, "Now _Voldemort_ won't find you." Harry: Ah, the Snatchers!

Set in 5th year: Ask Harry to tell Cedric Diggory you said "Hello"

During a Quidditch match, jinx the snitch to go into Draco's palm

Send Dementors into a Quidditch match

Set after 7th year: Tell him that he could've just travelled back in time with the Time Turner and prevented Tom Riddle from being born. When looks at you dumbstruck, shrug and say, "You're welcome."

Ask Harry if the thestrals have green eyes too

Remind him Neville should've have been the Chosen One

Pay Colin Creevey to be his personal paparazzo

Transfigure Hedwig into a toad and tell Neville you found Trevor

Tell him he can just use Oculus Repairo on his eyes to avoid wearing glasses

Swap his robes for straight jackets, his Floo Powder with itching powder, and his quills for Umbridge's blood quills (Oh, he'll have a great day)

When he asks where you're going, reply "Diagonally"

Shred his Invisibility Cloak and make a collage out of it

Tell him you know this great series by J.K. Rowling

Convince Ginny to go emo

"Hermione told Ron to tell Ginny to tell Fred to tell George to tell Jordan to tell Katie to tell Cho to tell Luna to tell Chuck Norris to tell Snape to tell Draco to tell Crabbe to tell Goyle to tell Edward Cullen to tell Captain Jack Sparrow to tell Blaise to tell Pansy to tell Tom Cruise to tell the Fat Lady to tell Moaning Myrtle to tell the Bloody Baron to tell Nearly-Headless Nick to tell me to tell you that...um..actually, I can't remember."

Steal his dream journal and suggestively raise your eyebrow, asking why Voldemort's in so many of them.


	12. Severus aka Snivellus Snape

Talk about Lily at every opportunity and hand him tissues

Leave lilies on his desk from an anonymous sender

Carve a big heart with "LE+SS" onto every wooden object he owns

Ask Snape what the biggest fish he ever caught with his nose was

Ask him if the reason he never washes his hair is because Lily once touched it, hence he forever cherishes it. And he's thinking "OMG, she touched my hair, OMG, OMG, OMG..."

Tell him he'll most likely die an old virgin (sad but true)

Ask him what fast food restaurant hooks him up with all the grease he puts in his hair

Inform Snape Neville would like him to wear an ugly vulture hat and a drab dress

Ask Snape if he heard a mysterious ticking noise. When he says he might've heard something, tell him, "Um, Professor, hearing things isn't a good thing, even in the Wizarding World. You should get that checked out. I know this great shrink..."

Make random hissing noises to make him mistake you for a Parselmouth

Create a profile for him on eHarmony, a Muggle dating website

In Potions class, fling random ingredients itno your cauldron, boil it down, and say you're a non-conformist to restrictive potion-making

Stir clockwise when you're supposed to stir counter-clockwise. Sue me.

Tell the Daily Prophet he's an unregistered Animagus


	13. Draconis Abraxas Malfoy

Call Draco a "foul, loathsome, evil little cockroach" and punch him in the face. When he asks why the heck you did that, say "Tourette's and muscle spasms" (no offense intended)

Set in 6th year: Ask Draco if Snape gave him the ferret antidote yet. If he gives you a weird look and says it wore off 2 years ago, say, "Really? I couldn't even tell."

(After Buckbeak "attacks" him and he is writhing from his "injured arm") Point out you can't spell "Draco Malfoy" without "Drama" and that he's a total sissy.

Bribe all the Muggleborns, girls and guys, into chasing him in the hallways. He runs, screaming, "Wait until my father hears about this!" Shout after him, "Isn't he in Azkaban?" Pwned.

Get Professor Trelawney to predict that Draco will fall madly in love with Harry.

Tell Draco that you saw Harry looking in the Mirrow of Erised, which shows that seeker's desire. Say you saw them together, holding hands. (He won't know that only the person looking in the mirror can see)

Market "Malfoy stinks!" and "Ferret Boy" badges (courtesy of the Slug Club)

Crash his and Astoria's wedding (this is an absolute must to ensure the lifespan of Drarry)

Most of all...

Say his blonde hair looks gay (No offense, I freaking love this guy, but I had to lol)


	14. Options

You have options:

A. Plead guilty, and go to Azkaban.

B. Plead innocent and have a trial to argue to be free of all charges (but all your able witnesses are probably pissed off).

C. Plead clemency and get a limited sentence, like community service.

D. Plead insanity and make yourself at home at St. Mungo's mental ward.

E. RUN! Don't stop until you reach home!

F. Walk away...Get some Firewhiskey and pretend this never happened.

G. Turn into an Animagus and live out your days living off of rats and communicating through fireplaces.

H. Become a Death Eater.


	15. Author's Note

**A/N:** Please R&R and if you have any ones you want to add, just say:) A lot of the chapters are short, because I wanted to avoid the cliche jokes, like Ron's fear of spiders, Voldemort doesn't have a nose, etc.


End file.
